I'm
not a crazy cat lady. I'm an eighteen-year-old college student with a
fat gray cat at home named Blossom. I've had her since I was four.
Right now, I live three hours away from home. I study, I flirt with
guys, and I take more Instagram selfies than I'm proud of.
My life as a cat person
The
mascot for Eternally Single Women is the infamous crazy cat lady. Her
graying hair is unkempt, her pink bathrobe is ragged, and her worn
slippers shuffle across the ground as she struggles to move with the
dozens of cats and kittens clinging to her body with their tiny
claws. With an irritable yawp, she spots someone crossing into her
domain and, carefully prying the kitten from her side,
rocket-launches the furry feline at the unwanted guest. She then
retreats into the shadows, back to her world of fur and litter boxes
and spoiled milk.
She doesn't want your love. She just wants more cats.
She's
a crazy cat lady, not a crazy fish lady or a crazy bird lady or a
crazy dog lady. It's because she learned at a young age how to win
the affection of cats, so she tried to apply the same approach to her
pursuit of men. It always fails, and it's because of this: cats are
jerks.
I've
always said that I love cats more than dogs because you have to win
their friendship. It's a challenge; they don't always like you, and
they don't seek out your love. They're mostly self-sufficient and
they're viewed as an intellectual species. When a cat purrs at your
touch, you know you've worked hard to earn it.
This
is okay for cats because they're a different species. They don't know
what they're doing (or, at least, let's hope not). Men, on the other
hand, do.
I'm
attracted to men I think are intellectuals. That's fine. What's not
fine is when I have to pursue them because they're too caught up in
their own pretentious worlds to pursue me.
That's great, Deanna. But what would Hemingway say about that, hmm?
I'm
attracted to men who are independent. That's fine – you don't want
to date a guy who's clingy. What's not fine is when a guy doesn't
start conversations with you, doesn't make time for you, and
generally doesn't give a second thought to you.
Oh. You're here. I guess I'll deign to speak to you today.
I'm
attracted to men who are mysterious. That's fine – it's boring if
you can fully understand someone within the first 15 minutes of your
conversation. What's not fine is when a guy goes silent or disappears
for seemingly no reason, and then pops back into your life whenever
he wants, demanding your attention.
Miss me, peach?
It's
a challenge to get a cat to love you. You shouldn't have to convince
a man to give you the time of day.
If
cats were human, they would be emotionally abusive jerks. Because I
found earning my cat's love so rewarding at such a young age, I
figured all love would be that way. I thought if it was a challenge,
it was real.
I'm
not saying that love isn't hard work, but you shouldn't have to bend
over backward just to get a guy to notice you.
I
love my cat; I'm not about to go out and adopt a puppy. However, even
though I identify as a cat person, I need to be more of a dog person
in my love life.
I
need a man who is excited to spend time with me. I need a man who
isn't afraid to show affection. I need a man who wants to be my best
friend. I need a man who goes out of his way to show me how much he
loves me.
I just think you're super awesome and wonderful and amazing and beautiful and cuddly and funny and ...
Cats
make great pets. They don't make great husbands. Be proud of being a cat person in your daily life, but when it comes to matters of the heart, be a dog person.
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WITH YOU!
